There are some people who have a glass of wine and as soon as they start to feel warm they place their hand on top of their glass and decline further consumption. Then there are those of us who get to the warm feeling and are just getting started (hell yeah). Similarly, there are people who are like this with their bands. For some of us, the relationship with a band does not stop at the cd’s point of sale. Far from it. We start from there and move into an online expedition of photos (usually of one band member in particular), bios, articles, reviews, gossip forums, bootlegged acoustic versions, google alerts, youtube videos and interviews, etc., etc., etc… It can get intense and frankly seem a little weird to those that are not like this. It can get particularly intense if as a woman you’re like this and in a relationship with a real live person (as opposed to the relationship you’re in with your favorite band member in your head).
I know from personal experience that it can be a challenge to convince your boyfriend or husband that there is no real threat to him, except if the said rock idol finds you one day in the crowd and begs you to be with him. Most of us know that the likelihood of that happening is less than humanly imaginable. Believe me. I failed trying to make Gerard Way fall in love with me via Jedi mind trick when I met him. However, if you have ever made the poor decision to jokingly say this to your man then he may consider this guy a threat on some fucked up level. I had this friend, oh fuck it, I dated a guy once who was so upset that I had a picture of Jack White in my cubicle back in 2002 that he questioned my commitment to our relationship. An argument ensued at dinner that evening and I found myself unable to explain that he was not a disappointment to me, that I wasn’t in love with Jack White like I was with him, etc. It was asinine, but I realized that night that some guys really aren’t comfortable with their women being into a band or a band member to this degree. I had a similar conversation with another boyfriend about my fascination with Gerard Way. You just never know how a guy will react when you tell them what you’re into or they find out. But you know, not all are like that. Some prefer to approach this with humor. My friend, M, whose husband writes for a music publication down in Alabama, once asked him if he was at all threatened by her hobby of researching some of her favorite actors. His reply was, “honey, no, I’m not bothered by it. I worry how all your other guys feel when you add a new man to the collection of photos. It’s their feelings you need to consider.”
Below is a survival guide to dating or being married to a girl like me. Before you read it, you need to accept that this is a positive thing for us and we’re having a blast. Accept that you can’t change us, but you can change how you react towards us. You may benefit from this in your favorite way.
Don’t even think about injecting the word “stalker” when describing her obsession.
Do expect that she will reveal she knew you were hiding in her bushes for hours once during a messy breakup.
Don’t comment on the amount of time she spends chatting online with other fans or researching her band.
Do continue to spend all of your free time playing WOW and chatting it up with Joe from Jersey.
Don’t be surprised to find her HUGE collection of photos in her photobucket or fotki account and/or My Pictures folder.
Do realize that she is well aware of the amount of time you spend staring at your favorite pictures in your own personal stash.
Don’t call the lead singer a choad if he’s her favorite.
Do just keep your mouth shut, please.
Don’t snicker when you’re in Borders together and she scours the magazines looking for articles on her chosen idol of worship.
Do happen to pick up a magazine with her idol on the cover and surprise her with it upon your return home. More than likely she has this issue already, but it's always good to have two copies.
Don’t complain when she’s listening to her music and cleaning house.
Do put her music on one night when she’s not expecting it and then put your arms around her. You’re not expected to like it.
Don’t turn off her music in the car when she’s driving and insist that you listen to something good.
Do keep your hands off the cd player and stop complaining. If you don’t, she will catalog this and will start to question whether or not you respect her AT ALL.
Don’t make fun of the band’s video when she’s playing it or if it happens to come on tv.
Do let her critique the video if she wants to. She has a right to do this, but this is not an invitation for you to let loose.
Don’t call her obsession adolescent.
Do know that she is ready to recount the number of times you sulked and pouted when she wasn’t in the mood.
Don’t make comments about how many times she goes to see her band live.
Do send her an email alerting her when you find out her band is coming to town. More than likely she knew about this date 6 months ago and has her Ticketmaster alert setup, but the gesture will be extremely appreciated.
Don’t insist on going with her to the show because you are worried she will get backstage and run off with the band.
Do realize that this concern is unrealistic. Offer instead to drop her off and pick her up when she calls. She will probably want to get loaded while she’s having the time of her life and afterwards wait behind the venue to get an autograph.
Now, ladies, here's something to think about, too. Your guy being supportive does not mean you need to keep him abreast of your hobby. You know how you may accept/support him and his Suicide Girls membership or his porn collection, but he knows better than to talk about it with you too much? Same thing. Save your conversation for your girlfriends who are like you or fellow fans who give a damn.
Also, don't be crazy. Remember when Winona Ryder's character in Girl, Interrupted realizes that in order to get out of the psychiatric hospital she has to "act" normal? Always keep this in mind. Don't start balling in front of your loved one because your band didn't win best rock video on an award show no matter how much it hurts (and trust me I know it does). On the flipside, don't let your obsession turn you into the delusional fan that ends up approaching a singer with a pair of scissors causing him to rarely be seen sober in public. Don't blow this for us, Gene!
Everybody just deal! -K
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