Rollingstone, I don’t know what I was thinking when I assumed that this country couldn’t celebrate mediocrity any more than it does. Thank you for proving me wrong by gracing your October issue [1011] with the prolific and enigmatic Fergie and then inviting me, the reader, into an engaging story that barely fills TWO whole pages. I have to wonder how much Jägermeister the writer had to consume to produce even that much.
Here are some interesting factoids that you learn about this truly enigmatic superstar.
1. She makes up words, i.e., resiculous. This means that something is sick and ridiculous as in “Fergie popularity is sick and ridiculous.”
2. Fergie’s real name is Stacy Ferguson. Get it- ‘Fergie’ is a play on ‘Ferguson’.
3. She is mysterious and "uncategorizable" as in she’s a tomboy sometimes and girly at other times, depending on her mood.
4. Fergie loves to imitate instruments. When you can’t understand what she is saying during a song, it’s because she’s deliberately distorting it to make it sound like an instrument. Pronouncing, I mean pronunciating, the word correctly would destroy the effect.
5. A whole paragraph is dedicated to describing her struggle to be good at lunch and not order a meal with brown butter.
6. The infamous picture that showed up on celebrity blogs where she seemed to have pissed her pants was caused by her having pissed her pants.
7. She is a recovering crystal meth addict. How many times do we have to read about this?
8. She mentions a song on the new album called “Pedestal” in which she fires back at all those people who spend their time dissing her on the internet. HAHA. Resiculous, yo!
Might I suggest a Pete Doherty cover and retrospective? If you're going to publish this kind of shit, then the least you could do is provide us with something sensertaining. -K
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